i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
