Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
