Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
