im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
