and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
