I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
