I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
