I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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