I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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