Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i think i just lost a toe
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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