im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
