life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
