I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
