life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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