either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
well, you know. whores of a feather.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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