saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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