Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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