My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
