So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
