I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize