Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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