ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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