I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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