Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you didnt know i had herpes?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
