some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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