Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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