I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
