he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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