i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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