So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
