you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
