you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The struggles of a small town man whore
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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