Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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