Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I want to have your abortion
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I can't turn off my feet"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
