I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Can i not drive my cunt home
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
