I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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