I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
