And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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