Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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