I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
