Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
