oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
