I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize