You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
