I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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