Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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