When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
