Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
