He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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