i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize