do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
