got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
This is my gift to your gina
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
