i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
