"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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