dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We are all done wearing pants today
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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