so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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