This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
