A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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