we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
